Hey, you guys!
If you might have noticed I was off blogging and working for almost 2 months now. I mean I did work a little in June, but in July I was really off-work. I was going through a little rough patch, and I’m glad I sailed through it, no matter how much it tempted me to give it all up.
In today’s life, mental health is as important as physical health. No one can really judge you from the outside and assume what you are going through, unlike physical health. You lose a little weight and people can notice, but you lose your sanity, and it goes unnoticed. All that anybody can say is:
‘stop being weird’
‘get out of your room every once in a while’
‘why don’t you spend time with us?’
‘why are you so quite?’
I have had my share of staying in the room all day long and not interacting much with others. I have had my share of crying without any reason. It feels like you are some dark zone, you want to get out of it, but you just can’t. I was almost on the borderline of depression, well at least that’s what the online tests concluded. I was so choked up that I needed external help. I knew I wanted to talk to someone, but I just couldn’t. I was never the sharing-my-thoughts kind of a person, but I was always a writing-it-down-and-throwing-it-out-of-my-system kind of a person. And that’s exactly what I did. I wrote everything down. It was only after a few months that I happened to read those notes again, and they felt nothing but depressing. If anyone else would’ve read those notes, I’m sure they would’ve thought how depressing this person is. And that is so unlike me.
Earlier people used to talk to me because I radiated positivity and they felt good talking to me, and now I’m anything but positive. This is not me. I want to go back to being the person that I was, happy, chilled out, positive, workaholic, goal setter kind of a person. Earlier I used to help people with their issues, and this time I needed help, but I just didn’t know how to get that help.
Everyone has their versions of rights and wrongs, their suggestions, pieces of advice, and I listen to them and still feel helpless. No one’s version of ‘correct thing to do’ can help me. I need to find my own solutions. Sure, technically your solution would be the right way to go forward, but I need to find my own way. Do I know the way? No. Is this thing stressing me out? Hell yeah! But is this the solution, to stress over not getting a solution? No.
Everyone says, “Oh, aren’t you into Yoga? Then do some meditation. You would know how to control your thoughts.”
Well, guess what? I don’t know how to do that. My thoughts, with whom I could get lost for hours at stretch, they suddenly seem like huge mountains that are going to eat me up if I get lost in them.
Sure, yoga has helped me to remain happy, but I need something concrete to pull me out of this dark hole.
“You are just confused, take your time to decide what you really want in life.”
I’m not confused!! There’s a difference between confusion and being helpless.
Most of the days I just feel like pushing everyone away from me, I mean come on, why would anyone even want to be around me when I’m such a mess?
In the evenings I usually try to go out as much as possible, laugh as much as possible, have a good time, because that really helps me to mask what I’m actually going through. It’s like I’m scared of the person that I have become. I don’t want to be this, but I’m unable to come out of this dark zone. I try to do things that make me happy, but there’s always someone who gets hurt if I try to do that. So what should I do, be selfish for my own happiness and hurt others along the way or think about not hurting others and push myself deeper into darkness? I know I have done a few wrong things as well, just because it made me happy. Do I regret it? No. Have I hurt others in that way? Yes.
Instead of running away from the mess, I think it’s now time to face it, head on and move on. I don’t know what life has in store for me, I don’t know how many more people I’m going to hurt along the way. But it’s time to face the fears and let the situation decide the outcome for me. Because clearly, my decision-making skills are not helping me right now.
I think people should also be more open to talking about mental health, because even if one uses the word ‘depression’, especially the loved ones get also hyper ‘oh no no, you can’t be going through that, you are just a little sad today, come on, cheer up.’ No, just because the term seems heavy, doesn’t mean it has to be heavy. Address the issue, it needs all the attention. In today’s millennial world, it is very difficult to cope with everything. Try to understand the issues that today’s generation is going through, the times have changed, and so have the issues.
All I really want to do is push everything away that is bothering me and just focus on my work, my short-term goals, travel, and just ticking everything off my lists.
Also, if you are going through something similar, or just need someone to vent things out without being judged, just know that I’m available.
Stay strong, mentally!